The Renewal of Promises

Today, September 23, 2009 is a new page of life for all of us as we celebrate the 182^nd foundation anniversary of our congregation as founded by our foundress- Mo. Teresa Spinelli in Frosinone, Italy. We the professed sisters-both simple and solemn professed have renewed our commitment to God and promised to live again the evangelical vows of chastity, poverty and obedience as an Augustinian Sisters Servants of Jesus and Mary.  Personally, it is a renewal of hope, faith and love to serve God and the church. It is a renewal to share in His passion, death and resurrection.  It is again a renewal to live as a servant, as a friend, as a sister, as a follower, as a lover and as a child of God.

      Indeed, I felt happy and consoled reflecting the faithfulness of God in my life though sometimes I falter.  God loves me so much that everything and all that is in me belongs to Him.  I don’t have anything of my own, my talents, my abilities, my loved ones, my all are of Him.  There’s no reason to greed, to hide and to hoard.  I can’t live without Him because I am nothing without Christ in my life.  All for the glory of God!

        I remember three years ago where I proclaim my promise of offering myself to Him during my First religious profession a day before our foundation. Today, everything is all by grace as I consecrate myself again to Him.  My decisions and my choices were not happen by chance but according to His will and plan for my life.  I believe that God has a purpose for my life.  I may not be able to see it now but it will be revealed soon in His time.  God’s marvelous love for me cannot be paid by anything.  Even if I have to pay it with love and service, still these cannot surmount His goodness to me.  His love for us even causes His life to die on the cross for our sake.  According to the Book of Psalm (v: 16).  How can I repay the lord for His goodness to Me?.  The Cup of salvation I will raise.  And I will call upon the Lord?.  As I continue, my vows to the lord I will fulfill before all His people. I am your servant Lord.  I live my vows only to love and to serve.  I will offer to you a sacrifice of praise and of prayer.  Today, into your hands I commit again.

Intimacy with God

( The Article that I’ve written below is based on the reflections and questions posted to us prior to the General Chapter of our Congregation)

   Man was created to share continually in God’s life.  That is why it is important for us to widen our conscious awareness for the love of God so that we may share the fullness of Christ life.  God has given us many gifts and its up to us to use these gifts in order to give praise and glory to His name.  Our vocation as a gift creates a deep relationship of friendship bounded with a profound love of prayer and sacrifice.  This implies that as a consecrated person, it is especially necessary to deepen our intimacy with Christ by living the Word of God, giving importance to our spiritual life and by being one with father, giving honor to the Son and by following the direction of the Holy Spirit.  In other words, by not losing sight of the most Holy Trinity”.

   In my everyday life as a religious, I could say that it is also important to deepen my intimacy with Christ in order for me to be one with God and see Him in the face of the people whom I serve.  In this way, I have to find ways and means to contemplate His Word, giving life unto it and by allowing myself to be absorbed in the bosom of His loving heart.  That by being like Christ, I may see the face of God in my sisters in the community as well as in the eyes of the children and youth whom I serve.  By constant seeking and longing of Him help me realize that I am but nothing in front of His Kingdom; that I am poor, weak and fragile.  It is only then because of His love and mercy that He has given me enough strength and grace to carry out His will in my everyday life.  So to say, that the more I deepen my intimacy with Him, the more I become poor, the more I long for Him and that is all because I am nothing without Christ in my Life.  With Mary as my mother and model in obedience, I constantly ask her guidance and love to protect me from all the dangers, to provide me with all the comforts that Her Son Jesus Christ provides.

   Prayer is man’s highest fulfillment.  It is an expansion of our consciousness into an ever-growing awareness that God and we form a union in love.  Everyday is but an honor for me to be united with God and aware of His loving presence in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Jesus is only asking an hour from me to watch Him in the Blessed Sacrament and it is good that in our community we are given enough time to worship Him in a given schedule.  It’s not difficult for me  to find time as it is already an opportunity and a gift that we are privilege as a community to have such a daily exposition and adoration.  It is by this time that our love and fraternal unity are constantly maintained and augmented by our daily prayer.  Sometimes I need to find my own time just to be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, just to be with Him in the silence of my heart and enjoy the moment in His presence.  Despite of the hectic schedule, studies and assignments; still God is faithful; so that is why there is a need for me to find enough time to be with Him in the Blessed Sacrament.
   Going back to the community of Jesus, the first Jerusalem community, they are a group of people who have different background, different way of life, tax collectors and sinners they are; yet they become one because of their desire to follow the Lord.  To follow Jesus who is the living bread.  By recognizing Jesus in the breaking of the bread, their bonding were strengthen which lead them to become more and more aware of their special friendships with Jesus.  Thus, they become one in proclaiming their faith.  Sometimes we are also like the community of Jesus, we are a group of people with different types of personalities. Yet we only have one aim and purpose.  That purpose is simply to serve and love the Lord.

   According to our constitution no. 104, “Prayer in common stands for unity of hearts, a consequence of mutual love, where many are the same as one, because he in whom we have our being is one person.  For this reason our communities are visibly “one” when we gather to pray in the chapel, where the presence of the Eucharist gives expression and meaning to the main ministry of our religious family, that of being visibly united in love. Meaning, it is simply through community prayer and in the celebration of the mass where we can find strength to create “unity and mutual love with each other as sisters in the community despite of our diversity.

   Our Mo. Foundress nourished herself from contemplating the ineffable mystery above all from the passion of Christ.  It cannot be denied that Mo. Foundress’ life is full of suffering and difficulties yet despite of, she was able to endure all of these because of her inmost desire to share the passion of Christ.  It is very much evident after she founded our congregation which she carried it out in our charism that as an Augustinian Sister Servant of Jesus and Mary, essentially is to become one with the Crucifed Christ, the servant of God, who became man for us and has come to serve and to give his life to redeem many.  This requires self-sacrifice and subjection to the will of the Father (Const. no.24).  That is why in answering the question, how do I live the difficult moments of my life?  My answer will just be very simple.  It is simply by living like Christ.  Christ life here on earth entails a lot of suffering but in His suffering He remains poor and humble.  I too have been a lot of difficult moments in life and there are times when I almost wanted to give up.  But Christ showed me the best example in living those times.  He showed me to feel my inmost poverty.  I have realized that God is there to comfort me.  I only find strength upon meditating His passion, death and resurrection.  Somehow the victory of the cross gives me consolation that everything will just pass away.  That everything has a purpose, believing that there is always a rainbow after the storm. That like what St. Paul says “I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.  Being a junior professed sister, the only thing that I can be is to live my vows to the fullest.  That is by being so poor and humble in front of Christ, wherein believing only upon His loving grace and mercy.  By obeying and listening upon what the Spirit leads me and of course following the guidance and advices from the superiors and those in authority.  Also, by remaining on the love of Christ, by being faithful and chaste as her bride.  Most of all, by having a strong personal prayer which is the only weapon for me to persevere and become strong.

   There are also moments in life that I need to deny myself, to be stripped off totally and even to forget my own desires for the sake of the kingdom of God.  This is what the Lord is asking me, to offer my suffering for the sake of the church, for the sake of my community, of my family and of  others who are in need..  Yes, it is so painful and sometimes suffocating but when I offered and lift these up to God, I believe that everything will become smooth and easy.  I may not be able to experience it now but with greater hope someday I may savor the sweetness of His glory.  Thanks to Him who is so merciful and loving. Praise be the name of the Lord!

   Our Constitution speaks of monthly retreat and of continuous conversion thru the examination of conscience.  Yes, in order to become more deeply immersed in the mystery of the Triune God and in the dynamism of His action, it is but necessary to value, to profit or appreciate the monthly retreat and profit the time given by the community for meditation and other spiritual exercises.  It is by this time where we can gain spiritual inputs from the speakers which help us grow more in the knowledge of God.  It is also by this time of monthly retreat where I can examine myself, my failures, doubts and can ask God’s pardon and mercy through the sacrament of reconciliation.  Through the continuous meditations and reflections, I also find my greatest struggle of becoming silent before God’s silent love.  And only in the silent love of God where I find peace and security within.  Just like what St. Augustine exhorts us :  “Enter into Yourself: it is in the interior  where Truth is found.  It is then in my silence where I hear God’s voice through faith and that the Holy Spirit reveals the light of God’s inner love.  The Holy Spirit then gives me an interior ears to comprehend what God’s silence is saying.

   Aside from attending the community prayer and the celebration of the mass, I have really appreciated the sharing in the community as a form of communion because of various reasons.  First, in the sharing of the Word of God and in  Lectio Divina.  In every religious community, this is the most important wherein each one is encourage to share what has been transpired through her from God.  Each one then is encourage to share.  Through this, I would say that with God’s guidance and inspiration, we become united to share our own life’s experiences with the members in the community, accepting each others thoughts and feelings and even sharing the most confidential part of one’s life.  This is what we call sharing of one’s life in accordance with the Word of God.  Second, in the context of the  sharing of goods.  This is where we are given privilege to know the importance of being sensible as to the needs of others and of course by being grateful to the Giver and to the persons who are in authority.  In the sharing of goods and in sharing a meal with one another, these can also help us tighten our relationships with one another and that help us to be one with God as Christ is one with us.  In this kind of sharing, we can then recognize that Christ is present with us in our community and as one family we may be able to glorify him as the source of all things.

   As of now, I need to find time and commitment to give my ample time in contributing for the oneness in the community particularly in the sharing.  Sometimes, by just giving a simple gesture that I’m okey, or just a smile is already a big deal for me in order to lift up the mood of the other.  By being sensitive to the needs of the others and by going out from my comfort zone and go for an extra mile just to be one with the others who are in need.  

Sa Pagsilang ng Aking Pagkatao

Sa aking paglalakbay, marami ng pagkakatao't ako'y nalumbay, nabighani at napahalustay. Ito'y sa dahilang marami din ang mga bagay bagay na di ko inaasahang ako'y mapahandusay. Sa tuktok ng bundok at sa lawak ng ilog. May isang ibon na doo'y kumakatok. Tinangay niya ang nag-iisa kong palayok. Dinala sa malayo at doo'y naglalayok. Aking nilapitan at nagbabakasakaling makamtan. Ang akala ko'y malapit ngunit ito pala'y abot hanggang sa dulo ng langit.

Ngunit sa tulong ng Abang ako'y napalapit, sa naglalayok na apo'y aking nasapit. Ang apoy na ito'y nagbibigay ilaw. Sa mga landas ko't uhaw na yapak. Nakita ang ganda't ginto ng buhay, na puno ng saya't walang halintulad. Nagkulay ang buhay, nagbunga ang liwanag. At muling isinilang ang aking pagkatao't puno ng liwanag.

Sa pagsilang na ito'y aking idinalangin. Sa poong maykapal sana'y patawarin. Sa lahat ng pagkukulang at di pagbibigay pansin. Sa kagandahan ng buhay at kadakilaang dulot sa akin. Sa isang iglap lang, ang Poon ay sumagot " Kumatok ka lamang at ako'y lalapit. Ako ang Poon na sayo'y nagmamahal ng higpit. Sanggol ka pa lamang sa aki'y ika'y kaakit akit."

Sa pagkakarinig ko sa mga salitang ito. Di ko maintinidihan ang nilalaman ng aking puso. Gusto kong lumundag sa tuwa pero di ko nagawa, di ko pala namalayan tumulo na ang aking mga luha. " O poon ko, salamat sa Iyo! Ako'y inakay mo mula sa aking pagkabigo. Ibinagon mo't, binigyan ng simbolo. Ipinagbunyi Mo pa at inangkin ng buong puso.

Salamat sa Iyo at natagpuan ko. Ang buhay na wagas at puno ng pagbabago. Sa pagmamahal Mo at mga pagapapayo. Ako'y naging AKO at ito'y dahil sa'Yo. Sa aking pagsilang, dadalhin ko at babaunin ko lamang, ang Iyong pagmamahal na ngayon ko lamang nakamtan. Tapat at tunay at wala ng kailangan, sapat ng buhay na puno ng kaganapan. O Panginoon Kong mahal. Ikaw ngayon, kahapon at bukas. Tinawag Mo ako at ako'y tumugon. Itinuring na anak at ako'y nagagalak.

Ang buhay ko'y nagkulay at puno ng ligaya. Dahil ako'y minahal Mo at binigyan ng pag-asa. Sa kabila ng lahat ng aking kahinaan. Ako'y iyong tinuruan at pinangaralan. Paano kita mapapasalamatan. Panginoong Banal sana ako'y iyong maiintindihan. Ako po'y maliit lang at walang kakayahan. Makapagbibigay ng dangal sa buong sambayanan. Ngunit ang iyong pagmamahal at kadakilaan. Umiilaw sa buhay ko at nagbigay ng daan. Upang ako'y mamulat sa katotohanan. Na ako'y hinirang Mo at pinangakoang bigyan ng buhay na walang hanggan.

Salamat O Diyos Ko, Salamat uli sa'yo. Sa lahat sa mga bagay, panahon at tao. Salamat sa pagbibigay Mo ng tiwala at katapatan dito sa aking puso. Kaya ako'y nangangakong gawin ko ang lahat. Hamakin ang lahat masunod ka lamang. Tulutan Mong ako'y humirang. Gawin ang bagay mapasaya ka lamang.

Ngunit sa buhay na ito, hindi lahat ay puro kasiyahan. Ang akala ko ako ay nagwagi na, ngunit ito pala ay kulang. Ang natutunan ko ay isang kusing lamang. Sa pag-ibig nd Diyos ako'y mayabang naman. Ang sabi Niya "Anak dahan dahan lang. Ang buhay na ito ay hindi paspasan. Manahan Ka at tapat ka lamang. Tawagin Mo Ako ika'y handang tulungan. Ako ang Panginoon mo at Diyos, tagapagligtas Mo at tagatubos. Huwag mong bitawan ang maganda mong kalooban dahil ika'y minamahal Kong lubusan."

Alam ko po na ako'y mahal na mahal mong tunay. Panginoon Ko at Poong maykapal. Ngunit ako po'y nagugulumihanan. Kung bakit habang ako'y papalapit sa'yo, tukso naman ay hindi maiwasan.

Being in Love...

You have to be consumed. You have to be absorbed and to be used. Foolishness as they say! Yet, this is the truth. A person needs to be broken down into pieces so that others may taste and see the sweetness of His love. It's not easy. However, once we feel and experience it, it keeps us going and sometimes makes us become obsessive of thinking how we can make our lover happy. Sometimes it compulsively leads us to offer our very self for the good of our loved ones. But what is it to be truly in love?

Meditating upon the love of God in my life made me think that being in love entails a lot of giving and letting go. I know for sure that I have to put on the armour of fidelity in the eyes of my Beloved, to express myself freely without reserves, to look and not just to gaze. It is not a smack but a kiss. Not just to touch but to embrace. Moreso, it is to be fully nude in front of the Beloved. To give our all and everything to Him. It is giving to the point of making ourselves naked. Nakedness in the sense of self-emptying. Nothing to hide and nothing to fear. To the point of dying so that others may live.

To be in love is more than that especially if the one we love is the one who gives us life. There's no reason for us to be selfish but to respond from a call to love Him in return. Loving God means loving my neighbor. It was just like quoting from an author in one of the reflections I've read: When a child ask Jesus "How much do you love me", Jesus answered, "I love this much", then He stretched out His hands and died for us. This is it, no more explanation. This is what true love means. By giving oneself even up to the point of dying.

The cross of Jesus is the most and best illustration of what does it means to be in love. Jesus is in love with us and His love is not just ordinary. It is a tremendous love that pierces to the heart. No wonder Jesus is written of as "Tremendous Lover".

Crazy Reflections

A popular saying " work without play makes a child dull" is the same as with if a person is too serious, it makes him grow old and die early, lol! To break the busyness and hectic schedules I have at present, I am forced to reflect on something unusual that drives me to think crazy. I have realized that sometimes we are not in control of our minds. With what and where it goes, lol! Various thoughts and ideas make me open my eyes and see the wonders of truth above and below me.

These realities moved me to try pondering something funny and crazy। After writing about a disease concept of addiction in my previous entries, I have come up with an idea of my own addictions. Do I also have addiction? Crazy thing, right? I began tracing up my family tree to discover the kind of addiction that runs through us. Amazingly and shamefully, I have realized and discovered that indeed addiction is present in the family line. The majority were workaholic. Even my siblings. Not to mention my lola on the father’s side had a compulsive behavior to pray always. My mother and my lola were tobacco users. I had an alcoholic sister and am afraid my only brother would lead to that if he continues.

Upon knowing all these, what is my addiction then? Well, only one thing flashes my mind and I am guilty of it। You might laugh at me after knowing it but I confess I am! Yet, I am still proud to say and admit it। I think and feel that I cannot live without my addiction. I'm already enslaved and hooked by it. Oh, it's not only genetic, primary, progressive, chronic and fatal but all of them. I have to do everything to sustain this disease of mine. I have to conquer various trials, difficulties and sufferings in life to maintain it. I am nothing without my addictions. If there are circumstances when this addiction is not present with me in a day or even in a minute, I feel so empty, alone and feeling devastated. I can say that "I am powerless and helpless”. Yes I am an addict! I am an addict of.......and with ........GOD! Now, you understand why I became a religious sister. My addiction is already part of my life. And so, I am now facing the consequences of being an addict to God. Rejection from the world, friends and loved ones because they cannot understand why I chose this. God is my choice! I cannot imagine myself living without Him and without receiving Him everyday in Holy Communion. He is my life, my all and my desire in life. As St. Augustine exhorts us " my heart is restless until if finds rest in Him". All I have to prepare as for now is the consequences of this addiction: Fullness of life and everlasting happiness of eternal life.

There's no need for me to go for rehabilitation। I am contented with this life and with my addiction। I am convinced that being an addict to God is not curable nor treatable. Yet, it is transferable. I hope! It is a contagious disease of love and sacrifice. Join me and be one...an addict!!!

Addiction is a Disease

The concept of addiction for me personally is no longer new as a disease but after listening from the testimonies of the residents in one of the "Drug Rehabilitation in Tagaytay" where presently  I was doing my Clinical practicum in psychology, somehow helped me understand deeply the disease concept of addiction.

    In the center, I have discovered that addiction is not just a vice nor just a result from any experiences or problems that an individual went through, but this is a disease that cannot be cured.  Yes, it is somehow a result of a triggering experience, but it is a disease that can only be treated.  Like diabetes, it is a disease that can only be treated with proper medication but cannot be cured. Yes, it can be treated but it doesn't mean that you are already free from  it, precautions is still necessary because the disease is already part of your system.  In the case of addiction, an addict cannot say he is already free because he's already clean and sober.  Self-awareness is still necessary, he has to observed certain precautionary measures because anywhere and anytime it recurs. Once a person relapses, he certainly suffers for the rest of his life.  I have also learned that the disease concept of addiction has five phases.  It is indeed a disease because it is transmitted from one generation to the other.  The others phases aside from Genetics are primary, progressive, chronic and fatal.

      Most of the residents in the center can relate themselves in the Genetic phase.  By tracing in  their family tree, they have found out that most of their forefathers, grandparents, if not their parents, relatives and their siblings have different forms of addictions.  Drugs, nicotine, alcohol, gambling and even sex relationships as well were just but example of addictions.  So it is not a doubt that they too have acquired it.  Because they were not aware of it from the beginning, their addiction sparked when a triggering phenomena such as problems, pressures, difficulties and anxieties in life occurred. According to them their disease of addiction have already been present in the genes.  The second phase is Primary.  Most of them have classified themselves in the primary phase because their addiction started from peer pressures.  It was also a result of curiosity.  It leads them to do the same thing again until it became a habit. Much worst was when they became hooked and enslaved by it.  The third phase is Progressive.  In the beginning, it was only a try, an experiment and a shot until it became constant. Thus, it progresses.  It started with a peso, until it turns to thousands of pesos.  Small thing getting worst little by little until it turns into something big and unmanageable.  The fourth phase is chronic.  It is a phase where an addict suffered so much.  He even face the consequences of his actions.  Actions like robbery, stealing, etc...just to get something for their sustenance.  The last phase is fatal.  There are only three places that an addict can go in this phase.  First, in prison.  Second, in mental hospital and lastly, six feet below the ground.  No further explanation.

     However, knowing all these things, makes me more grateful to God realizing that His faithfulness never fades.  In fact, upon listening the testimonies of these recovering addict in the center inspired me so much to be passionate enough in this mission.  That God after all has a purpose for all of us.  He allowed these things to happen to these group of people because He has a wonderful plan in their lives.  He is not after of our past but of who will become of us in the future.  I was so touched with the sharing of a resident in the center. His addiction brought him for rehabilitation in the center and it is only in the center where he discovered his Higher Power.  He now realized that God has a purpose in his life.  Before, he was spiritually bankrupt. However, during his process of recovery in the center helps him to discover and know the presence of God in his life. He said  "The most beautiful thing was that the love and trust of my family and loved ones little by little is coming back to me". Then he smiled.  It was a smile of a prodigal son embracing the love and compassion  of the merciful Father.  This scenario moved me personally to honor and worship God  more deeply realizing that God is always there waiting for us to return anytime from our broken world within.  God's faithfulness never fails even if sometimes we falter.  His hand and his light will never bring us to a nightmare of sorrow but to a welcoming paradise of grace and happiness.  To God be the glory!