The Silent Noise of Innocence

So many times that I said maybe.  So many times that I said no.  So many moments that  I have had to choose.  So many later that never came to pass.  Then- but only then – comes the moment of choice, of acceptance, of the yes or no.  One thing, however, is certain: until I have accepted the truth and said Yes to the voice that calls within.  A call of hope, endurance, trust, humility, sacrifice, patience and faith.  However, responding unto it made me become more restless and disturbed because I felt something is missing. As I keep on searching for the answer to what lies ahead of me, I took risks in dealing with relationships, I took the courage to understand the things around me until I discovered something in the  greater scheme of things.  The answer cannot be found anywhere but deep within.  Then, as I went back to myself and see my face in the mirror, it was a shame to realize that I failed to give what is supposed to be given.  The unconditional love from God  for my neighbor.

My knowledge may be limited, but I know enough not to be satisfied with what I see around me, or worse yet, with what is within me.  As a young religious, my experience might be limited, my pain might not be serious, my horizon is yet too far, my dreams might be too shallow, my opinion might be too vague and my vision might not be serious.  My capacity to carry out my daily task might not be enough and my strength might be questioned because I physically get tired easily.  But this I can assure you that my love for Him who died for me is boundless that I am restless with what I am now until I become what God wants me to be. 

On my journey towards him, there was a time that I was completely worn out with so many questions in mind, unable to take another step forward.  By my errors, my sinful rebellions, my desperate effort to find the truth far from his truth, when through my tears, I began to tell him something of the time I betrayed him, when I question him of the many times I was hurt by people and for many times I wanted to take revenge, for  the times that I turn my back to Him because I felt I was taken for granted, and for the times that I was tempted to give up on faith,  and yet  He lovingly placed his hand over my mouth in order to silence me.  His only concern was that  I should have enough courage to pick myself up again, to try and to carry on walking in spite of my weakness, and to believe in His love in spite of my fears. One thing that he did, He appeared on the Cross before me and died that I might stop turning to Him with questions about truth and  justice, and believe instead, deep within myself the value of which cannot be measured, something truly unbelievable, something only God could do and it is because He loves me unconditionally no more and no less.

Each of us has its own story, each of us must follow his own path with patience and endurance.  Besides, life has taught me one thing:  that he who loves much, and he who gives much suffers much.  And there is one way, and one only, of coming through suffering: the way of childhood, littleness, humility, persevering prayer, tears.  It is not easy, I admit, because before resolving to become little we are only too preoccupied to try every other way imaginable.  Thus, what we need now is humility and patience, a great deal of patience and we must endure – that our life and our vocation is not in other’s hands, but in the hands of God, and that He alone has the power to still the wind and calm the waves.

Reflecting unto it, I could then sing the song joyfully- “not because of who I am, but because of what you’ve done, not because of what I’ve done but because of WHO YOU ARE!”

…I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind

Still you hear me when I’m calling, Lord you catch me when I’m falling

And you told me who I am, I am Yours! 

Jesus became my life, my being, my all.  He led me on to understand the truth, the love and the beauty of life.  I have found the answer to the mystery of life or peace of heart in Him.  I have found true peace when I actively sought his friendship; and above all I experienced joy, true joy and lasting peace.